Remus J. Lupin

I miss talking to James and Lily. I miss the conversations we would all have together, how we would discuss things and somehow, that way, things would not seem so...massive and overwhelming. We were a group. Family, really. We never allowed one of us to take on the world on our own because we had each other to back each other up. We went from discussing examinations and essays, to things we would deal with at home, to talking about the war and fighting in it. We lived through so many things together, and we just knew each other. Talking over tea, or firewhiskey, or simply ice cream and chocolate helped matters. It did not solve things, obviously, but it helped. In many ways, many times.

Lately I have been finding myself missing them more than usual, and I wish we could have that again. Those conversations, and that brief moment of relief. That we could have them. I talk to Sirius, of course, and we support each other as always. But I will never cease missing Lily and James. They were our friends for so long. They were family.

I miss them. I always will.

I don't...remember, actually.

*locked*

Just a few days ago I woke up with a nightmare that was bad enough that I almost began to... Well. That. I didn't because I was quick to move out of bed so that I could try to focus on something else, but it was just so vivid and it felt so real that I couldn't help it.

Normally I don't, however. I am not the type to cry, I mean, and when I do it is usually a delayed reaction and it has to be something rather strong. If I remember correctly, the last time I cried was when the loss of Lily and James truly hit me, along with Peter's betrayal. And it was after a nightmare, of course. That night I had been the one that had betrayed them. I had been the one that Sirius hated, and I was the one that had the blood of two of my best friends on my hands. It had been my fault that Harry had been left without parents. All of it had been a nightmare, obviously, but... I don't know. Perhaps it was the hour, along with the nightmare and how it felt, and that I had been trying to ignore the grief I felt for losing three of my friends, and... I cried. Not a lot. I don't really cry. There were just a few tears, and I couldn't quite breathe properly.

This last time it was something similar. Not in how I reacted to...afterwards, but what led me to feel as if I would start crying again. It was after a nightmare. I had betrayed...everyone in it. I had hurt everyone as well. The big difference was not really in how I reacted afterwards, but that this was not a nightmare. It had been the truth, because... I still cannot forget that I betrayed Harry. I betrayed him, along with Sirius, James and Lily. I became Peter, in a way. I became even worse, actually, because I am still here, making them stand all this.

But I didn't cry. Tears don't solve anything. I may be angry, and I cannot find a way to let it go, but crying is pointless. That is the mentality I have had towards it ever since... ...well, for a long time, and I don't see it changing in the near future.

...heh, that sounds like a load of bollocks.

I want to believe that, how things will be better in time. Really, I do, but right now I simply cannot. Perhaps it's because I've yet to sleep through the night without having some sort of reminder of what happened and it's hard to really keep a positive attitude towards it all.

No, wait, here's me being positive: At least I don't wake up screaming or yelling Crucio anymore, so let's be thankful for small favours, hm?

I'm so angry. I am so unbelievably angry even if anger is the last emotion that I've displayed lately. But even if I don't show it, the way it's running through me is... It is so much more than simply anger. It's rage. I know it is, but it's nothing like what I felt in that basement; this anger is simply lingering. It's waiting. I don't know for what, but it's waiting. I am so furious at Carrow, at Fenrir although I have no idea for what, at myself. I am extremely angry at myself. Maybe that's why that is something that I don't admit; I don't want to hear how I shouldn't be angry at myself. I don't want to hear that it wasn't my fault, that I was under a spell: I WAS being myself. That is the frightening part. That is the part that disgusts me, and I WANT to believe that that was not me but didn't Carrow simply strip away that mask I put up for people? The one that makes me the wizard, and not the beast that is trapped in me?

I just...

I am just so bloody tired. I've stopped flinching or tensing up at just the smallest touch, and looking someone in the eye is also getting a lot easier, so I suppose some things have improved. My voice is back to normal, and I look normal, but... Merlin, I don't feel normal. Whatever normal was in the first place - I just don't feel it. And it has nothing to do with being under the spell then again, what do I know?; I just...

I cannot get rid of that voice in my head telling me that they are better off without me. That I should simply leave, and they will be fine. And while that might be true, I--... I cannot leave them. Now, when I let myself truly contemplate it, it hurts so much worse than how it feels when I wake up after a nightmare. Because at least with those I can manage to wake up, and things aren't normal but they can be eventually; if I were to leave it would be so much different. It would be a reality, and one that I cannot bare to live through. Not when I need them so much. It makes me feel so bloody selfish, that perhaps I really am staying when it's the last thing that they need, but I don't want to think of what or who I would be without them.

I guess I gave myself the answer, didn't I? I need to stay. I need to wait things out. I need to wait until I wake up from those nightmares and it won't feel like the world is toppling on top of me. I just hope, I actually pray that that can really happen. Things were wonderful once. I want to feel that again without feeling tainted, or that anything I do or say can destroy things even more than what I already did.