InsaneJournal

aumuses: Write a letter of apology.
[set to a couple of days after this]


The days that followed the attack were quiet on Remus' end. Quiet in the sense that he still refused to even look directly at anyone, just as he had done on the first day. Any physical touch would make him tense; not because of Moony, but because his mind would start racing. What if he lashed out at anyone who was near him? What if Moony was still too close to the surface, but now he couldn't tell? What if he was still under the spell, and he could still be controlled into hurting his family?

What if...

The list was endless as to why he should keep away from all of them. On why he needed to shut them out and let them be safe.

It was with that mentality that, when he went back to his apartment by himself after two days of being in the infirmary, he took out a piece of parchment and quill.

Sirius,

I'm sorry. I am so, so very sorry. I wish repeating that over and over would allow me to show you that I am, and that it could make everything suddenly better, but I know it doesn't. Nothing ever will.

Nothing is the same now, is it? Everything... Merlin, everything feels so odd now. Nothing makes sense. I feel so lost, Sirius, and I have no idea what to do. I don't know where to go, I don't know what to say. That alone is terrifying, because it has always been so easy to talk to you. I was always able to find the words to say what I had in mind, but right now... Nothing makes sense. I broke things. I took them all apart by letting that bastard take me and put me under that spell, and you have no idea just how much I hate myself for it. It was never supposed to be this way. I was supposed to protect you and Harry, always, and...I didn't. I couldn't.

I am leaving as soon as I leave this. I need to get out of Hogwarts, because I need to think and set myself straight in whatever way that I can. I cannot look at you or Harry without wondering if I am still under the spell. I keep imagining of ways that I'm responsible for you getting hurt, or even killed, and I feel like I cannot breathe. I just... I need to leave. I'm not sure for how long, but you need to understand that I need to leave. I love you, Sirius. I love you and Harry so much that I cannot bear the thought of hurting you worse than what I already have. I should have never given you that ring, because you both deserve so much more than I can ever give you. You both simply deserve so much better.

Please don't come after me. Please, don't. Harry needs you here, and you need to be here for him. You need to protect him in the way that I couldn't, so please stay with him. Please don't let anything hurt him anymore. Please, please keep him safe. And please tell him that I am so sorry. For everything I did, and for everything I couldn't do. I am just so bloody sorry.

I love you both. I love you both so much, and that is why I know I need to do this. I need to leave in order to keep you safe, no matter how much it is killing me to do so.

- Remus

Once he was done, knowing that the halls would be empty, Remus stood from his desk and walked towards the door so he could leave the letter on Sirius' desk. He didn't need to pack now, he figured; for a day or two he would disappear and whatever he needed he'd buy. He just needed to give them space. He needed to give himself space to convince himself that he wasn't one of those who wanted nothing more than to bring them down.

Just as he reached the door, however, a letter was already waiting for him. At first he just stood there, staring at it, until he reached for it and started reading it once he made it back to his desk. Something that he was very thankful for, because as he read and re-read the letter he didn't trust himself in standing. His body felt heavy as lead, yet at the same time felt like he would stand and falter at the first movement as his eyes read over the words.

With a sigh, his eyes never leaving the parchment, he tried to swallow the knot in his throat. Two days and it wouldn't go away. He was starting to doubt it would, quite honestly, especially as he re-read the letter once more. There was no doubt in his mind that he didn't deserve the opportunity to help Harry. He didn't deserve the trust, or the love that Harry felt for him. What he did deserve was to leave Hogwarts and let them be safe.

But suddenly he couldn't. Because, whether he was there or not, they weren't safe. When they would be safe again was impossible to know, but something was very clear. Harry was in danger. Sirius was too, along with Luna and Cedric, and... Could he really turn his back on them just like that?

You'll only hurt them worse, that annoying little voice in the back of his mind rang out again, but his gaze continued to be glued on the words in front of him.

Taking a shaky deep breath, he passed a hand along his face before reaching over for the quill again and a new piece of parchment.

Harry,

I think you have every right to be scared. As a matter of fact, to a certain extent, I believe that you should be. Fear can manage to keep us alert and aware of the situation better than being overly confident that we can take anything on. As long as it doesn't consume you, it can be used to your advantage. And, quite frankly, you should be afraid of what I can become. That...thing that you saw in that basement. I am terrified of it as well, and that is why I never let you see it before, and why I try so hard to keep it below the surface.

As you saw that night, I lost that battle. Willingly or not to block out Carrow, or to get out of there, or to keep you safe, I'm still not sure. The fact is that I did, and I became... I suppose I became what I really am.

There are no words that can express just how deeply and truly sorry I am. For letting them place me under that spell. For taking you there. For not keeping you safe. For...letting you see Moony. I am so, so very sorry, Harry, and I don't think I can ever apologize enough to show the regret that I am feeling. You have always been the closest I have ever had to a son, and I care for you as such. I wasn't there to raise you like Sirius was, but I still got to be there for the majority of your life. I have always been very proud and honored of that.

Carrow tried to taint all that. He tried to break it, and for the past few days... If I'm being honest, I need to admit that I sincerely believed that he had. I hurt you, Harry, when I said I'd never do so, and when I said I would do everything in my power to keep you safe and to help protect you. I did the unthinkable. I should have been stronger. And if they hadn't...taken me first, and tortured how you saw, then perhaps I would have been able to keep them from casting the curse, but... Heh. That all sounds like empty excuses. Because it happened anyway, and...here we are.

I don't believe I deserve the opportunities you are giving me, and even the way you feel towards me, but that is something I need to work on. Being responsible for you getting hurt... It shook me tremendously, as you can imagine, but I cannot leave how I planned let the fear of hurting you again keep me from helping you if I can.

For that reason, I ask you for two days. Albus has been generous enough to allow me to take the remainder of the week off, so I can feel more like myself, and in two days I can look for whatever spells, or anything else, that can help you. We can have extra lessons after classes, and I will do whatever I can to do what you ask of me. I will also ask Sirius to be there just in case that Moony to help us train.

I'm sorry, Harry. The words seem so...pointless because they don't seem like enough for what happened, but I really am very sorry. I will do everything in my power to feel worthy of your trust and love once again, and I will be forever grateful for the fact that you still believe I am worthy of it. Please, please I beg you to not blame yourself. None of this is your fault.

I love you. Thank you, for not forgetting it. I hope you never, ever do.

Always,
Remus

Folding it closed, Remus stood once more and tossed the first letter out. He wasn't leaving. No matter how much he wanted to, he wouldn't leave. Instead, he took a small deep breath and started once more towards the door so he could drop off the letter under Sirius' door.

As soon as the door opened, however, Sirius was just stepping out of his apartment as well. Instead of trying to shrink away and pretend he could be invisible, how he had been doing, Remus finally made eye contact for the first time in days. The half-dead expression was still there, from exhaustion because of the lack of sleep and the guilt that he felt, but he didn't look away no matter how hard it was. Sirius had seen the beast in his eyes when he had gotten them out of that basement. Sirius knew about his nightmares, and he had heard him waking up screaming whenever he did manage to sleep for an hour or two.

He still didn't look away.

"I was..." Remus held up the letter he was holding. "I needed to drop this off for Harry." His voice was barely a hoarse whisper, his throat still strained. But the fact was that he was still talking, and wasn't saying goodbye.

Before Sirius could speak, Remus tentatively reached over and took his hand. He felt himself tense at the touch at first, but he made a note to get rid of that along with how tentative he felt towards everything.

"I'm sorry." For hurting Harry, for hurting you, for almost leaving. Looking down at their hands for a moment, he added after a moment, "I don't...want to be alone. Can I--"

A movement from inside the apartment caught Remus' attention, and his eyes turned to see that Harry had just stepped out from his bedroom. Making eye contact again, Remus' lips tugged very slightly at the corners. It wasn't his usual smile, or even the half-spirited one he'd sometimes give when he wasn't feeling well, but...again, it was an improvement. It was better than the blank silence he had been giving just hours ago.

And maybe it was the potions that he had been taking, or perhaps it was just how raw everything still felt that made him feel his emotions stronger than usual, but his throat closed up again at the sight of his little boy. Their little boy, he corrected himself unconsciously as he turned to look at Sirius, and then back at Harry again. It wasn't closing up to keep himself from talking, but because he was just reminded yet again that he wouldn't be alone. He just needed to allow himself to believe it, but he had a feeling that they would remind him as many times as it was necessary.