Remus J. Lupin

I miss talking to James and Lily. I miss the conversations we would all have together, how we would discuss things and somehow, that way, things would not seem so...massive and overwhelming. We were a group. Family, really. We never allowed one of us to take on the world on our own because we had each other to back each other up. We went from discussing examinations and essays, to things we would deal with at home, to talking about the war and fighting in it. We lived through so many things together, and we just knew each other. Talking over tea, or firewhiskey, or simply ice cream and chocolate helped matters. It did not solve things, obviously, but it helped. In many ways, many times.

Lately I have been finding myself missing them more than usual, and I wish we could have that again. Those conversations, and that brief moment of relief. That we could have them. I talk to Sirius, of course, and we support each other as always. But I will never cease missing Lily and James. They were our friends for so long. They were family.

I miss them. I always will.

I know and am well aware that my communication skills are not the best, and that most of the time it is very hard for people to know how I truly feel or what I want to say. Sirius knows, however. I mean, those who I am close with sometimes have a way to figure out what I truly mean, and what I want to say. It is very hard to truly keep myself hidden completely from them all the time. As it should be, I suppose. But Sirius and I have a sort of connection that... Well, it is understandable that we have it, I believe. And I do not mind it. It just goes to prove the level of understanding that we have reached between each other. Sometimes I don't have to say anything, and he knows what I mean to say. Sometimes he doesn't have to say anything either, but the way he looks at me, or the way he moves is enough for me to know what I should say, or not say. It just tells me what I need to know. A simple look can say so much. One smile, or lack of one, or the way his lips kind of crook at the corners... They are all hints. And while we may have some difficulty reading each other on those rare occasions, for the most part our 'readings' are really quite accurate.

As...sappy as it might sound, in a way, we can read each other like a book. And, for me, he is by far my favourite book.

Snagged from wontletmedie:

Here are the different drabbles. You comment with three requests using any of my muses and your muses. This will save me from flooding the friends page.

Pick your drabble!

Pick a number and I'll write a double drabble based on my muse and your muse. You can pick your top three and I'll write at least one.

1. Playful!
2. Murderous!
3. Flailing!
4. Incarcerated!
5. Deviant!
6. Ill!
7. Intoxicated!
8. Wildly Inappropriate!
9. Eloquent!
10. Cooking!
11. Naked!
12. Bitchy!
13. Inexperienced!
14. Young!
15. Long-winded!
16. Bedtime!
17. Jealous!
18. Inquisitive!
19. Confused!
20. Arrogant!
21. Angry!
22. Loving!
23. Working!
24. Needs-a-Hug!
25. Choose-your-own!

I don't...remember, actually.

*locked*

Just a few days ago I woke up with a nightmare that was bad enough that I almost began to... Well. That. I didn't because I was quick to move out of bed so that I could try to focus on something else, but it was just so vivid and it felt so real that I couldn't help it.

Normally I don't, however. I am not the type to cry, I mean, and when I do it is usually a delayed reaction and it has to be something rather strong. If I remember correctly, the last time I cried was when the loss of Lily and James truly hit me, along with Peter's betrayal. And it was after a nightmare, of course. That night I had been the one that had betrayed them. I had been the one that Sirius hated, and I was the one that had the blood of two of my best friends on my hands. It had been my fault that Harry had been left without parents. All of it had been a nightmare, obviously, but... I don't know. Perhaps it was the hour, along with the nightmare and how it felt, and that I had been trying to ignore the grief I felt for losing three of my friends, and... I cried. Not a lot. I don't really cry. There were just a few tears, and I couldn't quite breathe properly.

This last time it was something similar. Not in how I reacted to...afterwards, but what led me to feel as if I would start crying again. It was after a nightmare. I had betrayed...everyone in it. I had hurt everyone as well. The big difference was not really in how I reacted afterwards, but that this was not a nightmare. It had been the truth, because... I still cannot forget that I betrayed Harry. I betrayed him, along with Sirius, James and Lily. I became Peter, in a way. I became even worse, actually, because I am still here, making them stand all this.

But I didn't cry. Tears don't solve anything. I may be angry, and I cannot find a way to let it go, but crying is pointless. That is the mentality I have had towards it ever since... ...well, for a long time, and I don't see it changing in the near future.

*mun. is. ded* iTunes = so very creepy in some choices. I always LOVE this meme. Remus, however? Not so much.

Shuffle.

Personal Anthem: Open Your Eyes - Snow Patrol

Theme Song
Yours: Help Me Find My Way - Rooney
Your girlfriend's: Just Feel Better - Santana
Your best friend's: Miracle Drug - U2
Your parent's: Fallen - Sarah McLachlan
Your imaginary friend's: Learn To Be Still - Eagles

Emotion
Love: Run - Snow Patrol
Hate: Unknown Soldier - Breaking Benjamin
Grief: Memories of You - Ryan Adams
Pain: In My Life - The Beatles (...)
Desire: Easy Tonight - Five for Fighting
Faith: Hotel California - Eagles

The Five Love Languages

My Primary Love Language is Quality Time

<th colspan="2">My Detailed Results:</th>

Quality Time:	11
Physical Touch:	8
Acts of Service:	5
Words of Affirmation:	5
Receiving Gifts:	1

About this quiz

Unhappiness in relationships is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. It can be helpful to know what language you speak and what language those around you speak.

Tag 3 people so they can find out what their love language is.

Take the Quiz!
Check out the Book

This was possibly the first and only time that Remus was glad for the fact that Harry and Lex were convinced that he was impersonating himself. Which he still didn't understand, that whole thing about people actually dressing up like him, but at least he had gotten a lesson that he apparently had yet to learn: STOP ASKING WHEN YOUR INSTINCT TELLS YOU TO. Ignore curiosity. Ignore anything else, because... Merlin, those things that Osborn kept mentioning had scarred him almost as much as any uncontrolled transformation.

Remus wasn't sure why he had agreed to go to the party, since he really wasn't one for parties at all, but he was there nonetheless. They could at least have some fun, yes? And he might be cheating, but he was wearing wizarding robes. Osborn kept insisting he was just dressing up as someone, so that was his reasoning.

But, if that didn't work out, he had a back up plan. It was always good to be prepared, after all.

With a small sigh under his breath, he walked over to the refreshments table and tried to blend in as much as possible.

I'm not sure, really, why I did this. Boredom, perhaps.

( Not the colour I am, exactly, but the description is...relatively accurate. )

Ten things you will never tell your partner.
1. Where I hide his presents.
2. How to get into that place where I hide his presents.
3. The number of songs that remind me of him. It is a bit embarrassing.
4. The number of times I draw him, from memory, when I don't see him. Again...it is a bit embarrassing.
5. The...details of what I dream about.
6. The self-loathing I feel sometimes.
7. How frequent those "sometimes" are.
8. That some days, after transformations, I feel like I don't know how many more of those I can keep on taking.
9. That I sometimes get jealous, even if I have no right to be.
10. ...no, really. I hope he never finds out about that. I know I can't-- I shouldn't be. It just...happens.


( (the rest, all locked) )

All he has to do is look at me.

It... I know that perhaps that is not the best way to describe it, but that is how I know. He looks at me.

Sirius knows me better than a lot of people do. He knows me for far longer than others as well, but it's the fact that he truly knows me that makes it so easy for me to trust him. He knows and has seen the very worst in me. All those things that I want to keep hidden and that I don't want others to see, he knows all of them. He knows I have nightmares, and he knows what they are about. He knows what the wolf is capable of. He knows the monster that I can become, and not once has he ever used that as a reason to stay away from me. To him it doesn't make a difference that I am a Dark Creature, or that I can kill those I love the most because I transform into something that tears me apart. And when I cannot see the good in myself, he sees that as well. He knows it, and he knows how to bring it out so that I don't have to feel like a beast. He reminds me of what I can be, and he helps me live up to it.

When he looks at me he doesn't see a beast. He doesn't see the scars on my body, or the fact that I am not "normal." He sees me. He sees the person that I sometimes think died years ago, and he loves me anyway. When I have nightmares he stays with me until I remember that I am not dreaming, and that I am not alone. That I will never be alone. He has been with me through transformations, mornings after transformations, horrible nightmares, wars...and he is there for every part of it. I am not the same person after each one of those things, and I know it. Transformations bring out Moony. Leading up to those nights, and mornings after leaves me weary and tired of...a lot of things. The nightmares make me face something that I tend to ignore while I am awake. And the wars, those have changed me in more ways than I can truly say. But he knows that. He knows all of it, and he doesn't care.

He looks at me.

Better yet, he sees me. When I try to hide, when I try to become someone else, when I try to be invisible...he doesn't let me. He just looks at me. He reminds me of who I am. He brings out the best in me, and the me that I cannot reach on my own. A part of me is terrified worried that one day he will get tired of it and realize that he can do better. Then he looks at me and...well. Just one look is all I need to know that I am rather foolish for thinking that in the first place.

My disclaimer... Making this list was a dare.

As for everything else? ...

Well. Anyway...


( remember, LOCKED FROM THE CHILDREN. )

At least we know some results are accurate enough.

Ten things you find desirable about your significant other.
1. His smile.
2. His self-confidence.
3. His view of life.
4. His laugh.
5. His eyes.
6. His mind.
7. His heart.
8. His strength.
9. The way he loves.
10. His passion.


What makes you jealous?

*...*

I am not the jealous type.

[entering therapy alone unless bigbadpadfoot decides to join]

What do you see as the biggest problem you and your significant other are facing in your relationship?

You can paint it and try to set it up any way you want it, but I think the biggest problem we face is that I can never be completely honest, with anyone. There are always secrets lurking around. I am not proud of it by any means, and I can chalk it up to the fact that it is something that I cannot control, but I should be able to. I was the one that began this charade, no matter how young I was, so I should be able to stop it, yes?

I think the fact that I am always afraid of what will be seen underneath everything that holds me back. There are so many things I think, and feel, and do that I am not proud of at all. And if all that was exposed, what then? Would it be possible to move past that? So I don't say how I truly feel sometimes, or what I am truly thinking. It's not fair, yet I do it anyway. One would expect that I would at least stop it, or not do it again if it makes me feel this way, but it never seems to matter. I do it anyway. Relationships are supposed to be filled with trust, are they not? That is supposed to be the base of it. Why I do this, and make it more difficult... I don't know. I just...don't know. Maybe one day I will be able to stop it. Maybe one day I will simply be completely honest.

Though, truth be told, I am not confident about that at all.

...heh, that sounds like a load of bollocks.

I want to believe that, how things will be better in time. Really, I do, but right now I simply cannot. Perhaps it's because I've yet to sleep through the night without having some sort of reminder of what happened and it's hard to really keep a positive attitude towards it all.

No, wait, here's me being positive: At least I don't wake up screaming or yelling Crucio anymore, so let's be thankful for small favours, hm?

I'm so angry. I am so unbelievably angry even if anger is the last emotion that I've displayed lately. But even if I don't show it, the way it's running through me is... It is so much more than simply anger. It's rage. I know it is, but it's nothing like what I felt in that basement; this anger is simply lingering. It's waiting. I don't know for what, but it's waiting. I am so furious at Carrow, at Fenrir although I have no idea for what, at myself. I am extremely angry at myself. Maybe that's why that is something that I don't admit; I don't want to hear how I shouldn't be angry at myself. I don't want to hear that it wasn't my fault, that I was under a spell: I WAS being myself. That is the frightening part. That is the part that disgusts me, and I WANT to believe that that was not me but didn't Carrow simply strip away that mask I put up for people? The one that makes me the wizard, and not the beast that is trapped in me?

I just...

I am just so bloody tired. I've stopped flinching or tensing up at just the smallest touch, and looking someone in the eye is also getting a lot easier, so I suppose some things have improved. My voice is back to normal, and I look normal, but... Merlin, I don't feel normal. Whatever normal was in the first place - I just don't feel it. And it has nothing to do with being under the spell then again, what do I know?; I just...

I cannot get rid of that voice in my head telling me that they are better off without me. That I should simply leave, and they will be fine. And while that might be true, I--... I cannot leave them. Now, when I let myself truly contemplate it, it hurts so much worse than how it feels when I wake up after a nightmare. Because at least with those I can manage to wake up, and things aren't normal but they can be eventually; if I were to leave it would be so much different. It would be a reality, and one that I cannot bare to live through. Not when I need them so much. It makes me feel so bloody selfish, that perhaps I really am staying when it's the last thing that they need, but I don't want to think of what or who I would be without them.

I guess I gave myself the answer, didn't I? I need to stay. I need to wait things out. I need to wait until I wake up from those nightmares and it won't feel like the world is toppling on top of me. I just hope, I actually pray that that can really happen. Things were wonderful once. I want to feel that again without feeling tainted, or that anything I do or say can destroy things even more than what I already did.

So, new layout. :D Explanation behind it: since for now this journal will be mainly used for aumuses until it is decided what will happen with the other communities, the banner reflects that storyline (Sirius has been taking care of Harry since Lily and James were killed, and he and Remus have been together all this time). If/when the other communities get transferred over I'll see what to do regarding the banner but, for now? This will stay until further notice. *g*